photos

I'm looking forward to seeing what Nathaniel's genius captured on camera, but last night I was talking to a friend of mine (who is such an inspiration to me through this process!) about having photos of ourselves pre-life change. I noticed on Facebook that angles and isolation are the bread and butter of photos of many fat people. A lot of us try to be so careful of how the camera captures us. Photos of just our faces, or chest up are abundant. And then there are those of us who are so camera-shy that few photos exist of us.

I'm glad I don't do this. There are a lot of photos of me that really capture not only what I look like, but the fun I was having in the moment, not worried about what the full-body picture is. But there are things I don't have. There are zero photos of me in a bathing suit. I don't have any of those cute group shots at the pool or any photos in a Little Black Dress, showing off with my friends.

So there's another reason for having Nate Morrissey do photos for me and another reason I'm enjoying this process.

two thoughts to start my day

1. I really wish I looked different to myself. I still see the same things when I look in the mirror, despite the encouragement from lots of other people that I look different.

2. Google Ads on my page are going bye-bye because they're just advertising bullshit weight loss schemes, and that's not what this is about. Bye-Bye shitty Google Ads!

EDIT: Eff Google. They won't let me delete the ads, and I can't pick what I want... If I were able to do so, I would link to Anytime Fitness and Torrid, because they both bring me a lot of joy lately (and take a lot of my money!)

top ten things I've learned so far

1. Eminem is the most motivating artist to listen to when I want to kick my own ass at the gym. Usher is a close second.
2. It is an incredibly bad idea not to eat something before going to the gym.
3. Having a towel for sweat makes it easier to keep running.
4. Trainers count reps for you. This makes it easier to finish them. Except for when they count shitty.
5. If I did a rep poorly, I re-do it. Trainers do not expect this.
6. My metabolism is crazy fast compared to before and now I'm even more hungry than I was before I started this process.
7. Working out makes me randy. More randy than ever before.
8. But I'm probably too tired to do anything about it.
9. The first workout every week is easier than the first workout was the week before, but the next weights session sucks, because I'm still sore from two days before.
10. This new pep in my step is AWESOME.

The Beginning

I decided I wanted to blog about this whole fitness process. In 2 weeks, I go for my first measurements (other than the first day I started, of course), and I am incredibly nervous. What if these six weeks don't add up to numerical results? And how do I stay motivated by things that aren't purely numerical in nature? I'm thrilled at the changes I have felt, most especially the fact that I can get up the damn stairs without dying, but I'm not seeing results yet, if you know what I mean.

I'm stoked to see the photos Nathaniel Morrissey did for me (you can see his incredible work here) and if he allows me, I might share some on here, but I'm also secretly very scared of what I might see. I am outwardly pretty confident and secure in myself, but with all this hard work, I am spending more time getting to know my body better. Which, unfortunately, is including a lot of self-judgment right now.

I am so grateful for everyone's support throughout this first month and I hope you all will stick with me as I continue this process. The title of the blog is "Fitting In" because I'm working on my fitness (Fergie-style), but I really need a new title, so please help!

With love and gym-sweat,
Tonya ;)