Ups and Downs

October has been filled with a lot of ups and downs. From a surprisingly underwhelming trip to Flagstaff at the beginning of the month to a lot of loneliness following me around this month as I get into the groove of my new life in Phoenix - and realize it's not all that groovy after all, I have been off Blogspot for most of the month.

The last three weeks have brought me some weight loss. So that's a down that makes me feel up! I have officially gotten back to my pre-move weight and lost another two pounds, putting me at 212.

For those of you who might be reading this who have only known me since college, this is probably smaller than you've seen me at before. Two pounds may not seem like much, but most of that came off this last week. I have reaffirmed that I can lose and WILL lose and am currently losing weight.

This is such a great feeling because on December 14th, my first true test comes. Going to see Nate and Chip in San Francisco is a huge motivator for getting down to 200 despite the holidays and weight gain that often comes with holiday food.

I fully plan on enjoying Thanksgiving - I'm cooking the turkey this year after all, but I absolutely will not allow myself to regress.

And boys, if you're reading this, you're gonna be wow'ed! The rest of you are, too. ;)

SRSLY?!

As I'm driving to work this morning, I was listening to my favorite radio station (instead of my usual get pumped fare of either Eminem or Weezer - don't ask!) and the DJs were discussing how weight affects a person's salary.

According to them, women can earn up to $15,000 more PER YEAR by being 15 pounds UNDERWEIGHT.

SCCCCUUUUUUSE ME?!

I can understand how and why men and women who are overweight may earn less - more sick days, even the "aesthetic" reasons often found in restaurants and other service industries. But UNDERWEIGHT?

And then, the DJ responds to this "fact" by stating "You can make 15k more a year by not being a wildebeest."

First off, Mr DJ, Sir, you're an idiot. Wildebeests might not be the cutest animal out there, but they're certainly not the fattest, so I have a problem with your analogy.

Secondly, you're an *sshole. A big one. Huge. And stinky. Being 15 pounds UNDERWEIGHT is not necessarily any healthier or more attractive than being 15 pounds overweight. As a matter of fact, it may indeed indicate that a person is very unhealthy, considering the weight standards that create "under/ideal/over weight" categories.

Any one else have a rant for the day? Share your anger with me people!

Feeling down makes the scale go up

I have always been an "emotional eater." People have told me that it's
just a crutch or excuse for overeating and there were times I believed
them.  Right now, in this moment, I know that I am not making this up.

Despite using Spark People, Facebook, and BlogSpot to chronicle my
journey, this is a deeply personal and private one.  No matter how
much I tell anyone in person, on the phone, or on the internet,
someone else cannot fully understand the struggle another person
experiences on the road to improving their health and fitness.  I
can't fathom what each of you reading this is experiencing in the
deepest parts of you because your parts are so much different than
mine.

So knowing that the depth of understanding I crave is unavailable to
me is making me upset. Sad. Lonely. Dejected. Losing movitation and
inspiration and all those things that had me on such an upswing last
week feel like they flew out the window.  The sadder I've been the
more the scale goes up.  I'm back to 220 right now.

And the cheeseburgers are calling my name again. "Tonya..." they
whisper, "we're here for you. We've always made you feel better.
You're not getting anywhere anyway.  You miss us. You want us. We'll
take care of you."

I know they're wrong. At least, I'm pretty sure I do. But each time I
walk to the break room at work to re-fill my water bottle (which I'm
trying to make as often as possible!), the bevy of snacks back there
calls out to me.  The inner-fight is hard.  The voice tells me "your
day will be so much better if you just have some. You will feel
better."

My heart hurts knowing that I am still fighting with food, and I may
always fight with food.  It kills me to feel this hurt when I turn
down a snack - I know I don't need it and I know I'm not hungry, but
dammit "I WANT!"

So instead of breaking down and losing it, I had a rice cake.  I
didn't need a snack.  But it was better than getting a handful of
Goldfish Crackers, Animal Cookies, or Pretzels and a soda to wash it
down with.  I want to overpower these emotional food cravings and
empower myself.

I deserve to say back to those cheeseburgers, "you have ruined parts
of my life, and you continue to try to sabotage me, but I am in
control now."

My strategy is usually to "fake it till you make it" so I think I'm
going to try that now.  Tell those foods I'm in control, tell the
cravings to fly out the window that they pushed so many good things
out of last week, and keep saying it until it's second nature.