I thought I'd still be waiting a couple more days - but today's the day.
20 pounds gone forever.
Yes, I cried. And I'm so proud of myself for gaining all that I have in the last few months.
About Me
- Tonya
- This is a blog about my fitness journey. Stats: 5'5" 202lbs 40% body fat. Goals: 5'8" (that can happen right?) 160lbs 25% body fat in May 2011.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
20 pounds...
Within the next few days, I anticipate seeing one more pound come off me on the scale, indicating the first 20 pounds gone.
It's been a slow and somewhat difficult process. It gets easier every day. I started in May and yes, I could have lost a lot more weight by now. I could have NOT gained 10 pounds back when I moved to Phoenix. But I didn't lose more weight and I did gain ten pounds and I don't care. And by don't care, I mean I am actually completely content with where I am. Because it's where I am and I can't change where I am today by worrying about what I didn't do in the last 7 or so months.
The 19 pounds I've lost as of today are 19 pounds that are not coming back. I am way happier about that last bit than the number of pounds. I have changed my life and I have changed how I deal with things.
A certain ... I don't want to call him a mistake, but he might have been, a certain person from my life texted me today. He apologized AGAIN but I imagine he's just in some phase of sobriety that won't last long, as always, but instead of freaking out and eating everything in sight, I freaked out, talked to my friends and ran it out on the gym. And that felt way better than chocolate would have. Especially since 40 minutes of cardio is a lot better for me than 40 minutes of eating.
Little changes my friends. And as I anticipate the 20th pound, I am reminded that every pound counts, every effort to change my lifestyle counts, and every smile and tear and sore muscle and shortened breath count - and they all add up to so much more than weight loss. They add up to me being so much healthier in so many ways.
It's been a slow and somewhat difficult process. It gets easier every day. I started in May and yes, I could have lost a lot more weight by now. I could have NOT gained 10 pounds back when I moved to Phoenix. But I didn't lose more weight and I did gain ten pounds and I don't care. And by don't care, I mean I am actually completely content with where I am. Because it's where I am and I can't change where I am today by worrying about what I didn't do in the last 7 or so months.
The 19 pounds I've lost as of today are 19 pounds that are not coming back. I am way happier about that last bit than the number of pounds. I have changed my life and I have changed how I deal with things.
A certain ... I don't want to call him a mistake, but he might have been, a certain person from my life texted me today. He apologized AGAIN but I imagine he's just in some phase of sobriety that won't last long, as always, but instead of freaking out and eating everything in sight, I freaked out, talked to my friends and ran it out on the gym. And that felt way better than chocolate would have. Especially since 40 minutes of cardio is a lot better for me than 40 minutes of eating.
Little changes my friends. And as I anticipate the 20th pound, I am reminded that every pound counts, every effort to change my lifestyle counts, and every smile and tear and sore muscle and shortened breath count - and they all add up to so much more than weight loss. They add up to me being so much healthier in so many ways.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
hCG Diet post and update
on the hCG Diet:
A lot of people have referenced the hCG diet as the best thing since (not eating) sliced bread to lose weight but I implore you to read the article I posted previously. Even if it doesn't change your mind about it, I think it's important to know both sides of the hCG story. 500 calories and injections are not sustainable, they're not part of a healthy lifestyle, and it costs more money for injections than my grocery budget every week, so I'm not really sure how this works for anyone, but I guess it does. For awhile. But for how long? I guess no one's really sure on that one yet.
Here are two highlights of the article, if you don't feel like reading the whole thing:
- "A range of body “flush and detox” regimens. Here’s my quote from a prior WebMD interview about this regimen. “All the flushes and cleanses are pure nonsense, unnecessary, and there is no scientific basis for these recommendations,” says nutrition and metabolism expert Pamela Peeke, MD, chief medical correspondent for Discovery Health channel. “Your body is well equipped with organs, such as the liver and kidneys, and the immune system, to rid itself of potential toxins and do an excellent job of cleansing itself without needing flushes or cleanses."
- "If I had you consume only 500 calories per day and then injected you with water, should I now call this the amazing water cure for weight loss? hCG has nothing to do with your weight loss. Starvation does."
Again, I remind anyone who reads this blog that my weight loss is a symptom of a healthier lifestyle -- an enjoyable but not entirely necessary consequence of living better.
So here comes the update:
I am approaching the 20lbs lost mark. I bought a dress in a size 14. These things, while exciting, are not that important.
Here is what is important:
-I can outlast most of the people at my gym on the cardio machines.
-I have built my own program and I love it because it's not a program anymore - it's the way I live.
-I feel better than I ever have and I haven't been seriously sick in a very long time - a very big change that I definitely believe is caused by increased activity and better nutrition.
-I see and feel changes in my body every day and 99% of them are positive.
-Part of me is concerned that I may become less attractive as I lose weight. I've always been more or less comfortable with who I am and what I look like (and by always, I mean since college), and the what I look like is definitely changing. It doesn't matter though, because I need to be healthier. So I will look different, and maybe not better or maybe not worse.
Aaaaaaaand Pictures:
A lot of people have referenced the hCG diet as the best thing since (not eating) sliced bread to lose weight but I implore you to read the article I posted previously. Even if it doesn't change your mind about it, I think it's important to know both sides of the hCG story. 500 calories and injections are not sustainable, they're not part of a healthy lifestyle, and it costs more money for injections than my grocery budget every week, so I'm not really sure how this works for anyone, but I guess it does. For awhile. But for how long? I guess no one's really sure on that one yet.
Here are two highlights of the article, if you don't feel like reading the whole thing:
- "A range of body “flush and detox” regimens. Here’s my quote from a prior WebMD interview about this regimen. “All the flushes and cleanses are pure nonsense, unnecessary, and there is no scientific basis for these recommendations,” says nutrition and metabolism expert Pamela Peeke, MD, chief medical correspondent for Discovery Health channel. “Your body is well equipped with organs, such as the liver and kidneys, and the immune system, to rid itself of potential toxins and do an excellent job of cleansing itself without needing flushes or cleanses."
- "If I had you consume only 500 calories per day and then injected you with water, should I now call this the amazing water cure for weight loss? hCG has nothing to do with your weight loss. Starvation does."
Again, I remind anyone who reads this blog that my weight loss is a symptom of a healthier lifestyle -- an enjoyable but not entirely necessary consequence of living better.
So here comes the update:
I am approaching the 20lbs lost mark. I bought a dress in a size 14. These things, while exciting, are not that important.
Here is what is important:
-I can outlast most of the people at my gym on the cardio machines.
-I have built my own program and I love it because it's not a program anymore - it's the way I live.
-I feel better than I ever have and I haven't been seriously sick in a very long time - a very big change that I definitely believe is caused by increased activity and better nutrition.
-I see and feel changes in my body every day and 99% of them are positive.
-Part of me is concerned that I may become less attractive as I lose weight. I've always been more or less comfortable with who I am and what I look like (and by always, I mean since college), and the what I look like is definitely changing. It doesn't matter though, because I need to be healthier. So I will look different, and maybe not better or maybe not worse.
Aaaaaaaand Pictures:
the hCG diet - so highly touted, but proven dangerous and to be just one of many diet scams
So, here’s the bottom line on this “hCG Diet“.
Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) is a hormone approved by the FDA for use in pre-pubertal boys to help aid normal sexual development, and in women to treat fertility problems. hCG is produced by the placenta and is also found in pregnant women’s urine. It is not approved for weight loss and has never been proven by credible peer reviewed science to cause weight loss. So how did hCG surface as a weight loss solution?
Back in the 1930’s, a physician named A.T.W. Simeons was using hCG for the standard reproductive medical conditions for which it was approved. He observed that some of his patients dropped weight while on the hCG injections. Thinking that perhaps the hCG was the cause, he administered the injections along with a dietary plan to overweight patients and noted weight loss. Please note that subsequent researchers repeated his clinical study and were never able to replicate any association between hCG and weight loss.
Since then, most independent, peer-reviewed studies have shown no difference in weight loss between subjects on a low-calorie diet who received hCG injections and subjects who received a placebo. In 1975, the FDA noted that hCG is not a weight loss drug. In 1995, the British Journal of Clinical Pharmacology published a summary of research showing no hCG related weight loss association. The American Society of Bariatric Physicians does not recommend hCG for weight loss as noted in a December 2009 position paper.
Flash forward to 2007 when Kevin Trudeau published his book “The Weight Loss Cure ‘They’ Don’t Want You to Know About“, in which he concocted a weight loss plan which included hCG injections. Trudeau has no professional training in medicine, health or science. He is widely known as a controversial businessman who has tangled with the law regarding false health claims related to his books and products. You’d think that common sense would dictate running the other way when this guy hawks anything. But, people are desperate and when they are promised rapid weight loss and an end to their misery, they’ll often line up to sign up.
What is involved with the hCG “diet”:
1) Daily injections of hCG, with online prices ranging from $30 to more than $600 for a month’s supply. One side effect is pregnancy, as hCG increases fertility among women.
2) 500 calories per day of highly restrictive food intake, including coconut oil. One tablespoon of coconut oil contains 13.6 g total fats, 11.8 g of which are artery clogging saturated fats, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture National Nutrient Database for Standard Reference.
3) A range of body “flush and detox” regimens. Here’s my quote from a prior WebMD interview about this regimen. “All the flushes and cleanses are pure nonsense, unnecessary, and there is no scientific basis for these recommendations,” says nutrition and metabolism expert Pamela Peeke, MD, chief medical correspondent for Discovery Health channel. “Your body is well equipped with organs, such as the liver and kidneys, and the immune system, to rid itself of potential toxins and do an excellent job of cleansing itself without needing flushes or cleanses.“
Here are other concerns related to this “diet”:
1) You’re starving yourself. Your brain alone requires 600 calories per day to function optimally. By consuming only 500 calories per day, of course you’ll drop weight. But at what price? You’re cannibalizing your muscle mass, reducing your metabolism and consequently the effectiveness of your calorie burning. If I had you consume only 500 calories per day and then injected you with water, should I now call this the amazing water cure for weight loss? hCG has nothing to do with your weight loss. Starvation does.
2) It’s impossible to do. So you blame yourself (and not the author) when you cannot complete his plan. This is a core element of the scam. People who are overweight already feel guilty and are often filled with shame. After having laid down a lot of cash and not being able to successfully comply for a month or more, they figure “Oh well, just another diet I’ve failed at”.
3) It is unsustainable. This regimen is almost impossible to adhere to for more than a very short period of time. There are no healthy eating or physical activity behaviors to learn. Eventually you would have to enter the real world. And then, what do you do?
4) It’s unsafe. You cannot meet your baseline survival nutritional requirements on a starvation plan. You can seriously alter your healthy intestinal bacterial flora with repeated “cleanses and detox” regimens. This can lead to altered bowel function and inability to appropriately absorb food nutrients, which can then impair immune function.
Further, many of you have a lot of weight to remove. You may also have associated medical problems, including high blood pressure, elevated cholesterol and high blood sugar levels. You could also be on medications to treat these as well as mental conditions like depression and anxiety. When people buy into a diet scam like hCG, they usually don’t tell their medical team. Rapid weight loss, radically altered food consumption, cleanses and detox regimens can seriously affect your underlying mental and physical conditions and alter the clearance and blood level of medications you’re taking.
Don’t turn yourself into a science fair project. Beware of these radical scam approaches as they can deleteriously affect your health and wellbeing. In the best of all worlds, you’re working with credible health professionals to remove your excess weight.
5) You’re not breaking food addictions. The promise is that you’ll no longer be addicted to food and any abnormal eating behaviors. Credible research has clearly shown that starvation and useless injections are not the solution to food addictions. Behavioral modification, healthy eating practices and regular physical activity have clearly been shown to control food addictions.
6) You’re broke. Take a moment and add up the total costs of the books and products required. That’s why I’ve renamed this “diet” the High Cost Game scam.
Finally, there will always be an endless supply of frauds and scams created to prey on your desires to drop weight. To help guide you, here are the Food and Nutrition Science Alliances’ “Ten Red Flags of Junk Science“:
Recommendations that promise a quick fix.
Dire warnings of danger from a single product or regimen.
Claims that sound too good to be true.
Simplistic conclusions drawn from a complex scientific study.
Recommendations based on a single study.
Dramatic statements that are refuted by reputable scientific organizations.
Lists of “good” and “bad” foods.
Recommendations made to help sell a product.
Recommendations based on studies published without peer review.
Recommendations from studies that ignore difficulties among individuals or groups.
Always remember that if it sounds too good to be true, it is. Anything worth doing in your life requires time and effort to achieve and succeed. Run from false promises like the hCG scam. Stick with life-giving whole foods and physical activity. Now, that’s better living through your own chemistry.
Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) is a hormone approved by the FDA for use in pre-pubertal boys to help aid normal sexual development, and in women to treat fertility problems. hCG is produced by the placenta and is also found in pregnant women’s urine. It is not approved for weight loss and has never been proven by credible peer reviewed science to cause weight loss. So how did hCG surface as a weight loss solution?
Back in the 1930’s, a physician named A.T.W. Simeons was using hCG for the standard reproductive medical conditions for which it was approved. He observed that some of his patients dropped weight while on the hCG injections. Thinking that perhaps the hCG was the cause, he administered the injections along with a dietary plan to overweight patients and noted weight loss. Please note that subsequent researchers repeated his clinical study and were never able to replicate any association between hCG and weight loss.
Since then, most independent, peer-reviewed studies have shown no difference in weight loss between subjects on a low-calorie diet who received hCG injections and subjects who received a placebo. In 1975, the FDA noted that hCG is not a weight loss drug. In 1995, the British Journal of Clinical Pharmacology published a summary of research showing no hCG related weight loss association. The American Society of Bariatric Physicians does not recommend hCG for weight loss as noted in a December 2009 position paper.
Flash forward to 2007 when Kevin Trudeau published his book “The Weight Loss Cure ‘They’ Don’t Want You to Know About“, in which he concocted a weight loss plan which included hCG injections. Trudeau has no professional training in medicine, health or science. He is widely known as a controversial businessman who has tangled with the law regarding false health claims related to his books and products. You’d think that common sense would dictate running the other way when this guy hawks anything. But, people are desperate and when they are promised rapid weight loss and an end to their misery, they’ll often line up to sign up.
What is involved with the hCG “diet”:
1) Daily injections of hCG, with online prices ranging from $30 to more than $600 for a month’s supply. One side effect is pregnancy, as hCG increases fertility among women.
2) 500 calories per day of highly restrictive food intake, including coconut oil. One tablespoon of coconut oil contains 13.6 g total fats, 11.8 g of which are artery clogging saturated fats, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture National Nutrient Database for Standard Reference.
3) A range of body “flush and detox” regimens. Here’s my quote from a prior WebMD interview about this regimen. “All the flushes and cleanses are pure nonsense, unnecessary, and there is no scientific basis for these recommendations,” says nutrition and metabolism expert Pamela Peeke, MD, chief medical correspondent for Discovery Health channel. “Your body is well equipped with organs, such as the liver and kidneys, and the immune system, to rid itself of potential toxins and do an excellent job of cleansing itself without needing flushes or cleanses.“
Here are other concerns related to this “diet”:
1) You’re starving yourself. Your brain alone requires 600 calories per day to function optimally. By consuming only 500 calories per day, of course you’ll drop weight. But at what price? You’re cannibalizing your muscle mass, reducing your metabolism and consequently the effectiveness of your calorie burning. If I had you consume only 500 calories per day and then injected you with water, should I now call this the amazing water cure for weight loss? hCG has nothing to do with your weight loss. Starvation does.
2) It’s impossible to do. So you blame yourself (and not the author) when you cannot complete his plan. This is a core element of the scam. People who are overweight already feel guilty and are often filled with shame. After having laid down a lot of cash and not being able to successfully comply for a month or more, they figure “Oh well, just another diet I’ve failed at”.
3) It is unsustainable. This regimen is almost impossible to adhere to for more than a very short period of time. There are no healthy eating or physical activity behaviors to learn. Eventually you would have to enter the real world. And then, what do you do?
4) It’s unsafe. You cannot meet your baseline survival nutritional requirements on a starvation plan. You can seriously alter your healthy intestinal bacterial flora with repeated “cleanses and detox” regimens. This can lead to altered bowel function and inability to appropriately absorb food nutrients, which can then impair immune function.
Further, many of you have a lot of weight to remove. You may also have associated medical problems, including high blood pressure, elevated cholesterol and high blood sugar levels. You could also be on medications to treat these as well as mental conditions like depression and anxiety. When people buy into a diet scam like hCG, they usually don’t tell their medical team. Rapid weight loss, radically altered food consumption, cleanses and detox regimens can seriously affect your underlying mental and physical conditions and alter the clearance and blood level of medications you’re taking.
Don’t turn yourself into a science fair project. Beware of these radical scam approaches as they can deleteriously affect your health and wellbeing. In the best of all worlds, you’re working with credible health professionals to remove your excess weight.
5) You’re not breaking food addictions. The promise is that you’ll no longer be addicted to food and any abnormal eating behaviors. Credible research has clearly shown that starvation and useless injections are not the solution to food addictions. Behavioral modification, healthy eating practices and regular physical activity have clearly been shown to control food addictions.
6) You’re broke. Take a moment and add up the total costs of the books and products required. That’s why I’ve renamed this “diet” the High Cost Game scam.
Finally, there will always be an endless supply of frauds and scams created to prey on your desires to drop weight. To help guide you, here are the Food and Nutrition Science Alliances’ “Ten Red Flags of Junk Science“:
Recommendations that promise a quick fix.
Dire warnings of danger from a single product or regimen.
Claims that sound too good to be true.
Simplistic conclusions drawn from a complex scientific study.
Recommendations based on a single study.
Dramatic statements that are refuted by reputable scientific organizations.
Lists of “good” and “bad” foods.
Recommendations made to help sell a product.
Recommendations based on studies published without peer review.
Recommendations from studies that ignore difficulties among individuals or groups.
Always remember that if it sounds too good to be true, it is. Anything worth doing in your life requires time and effort to achieve and succeed. Run from false promises like the hCG scam. Stick with life-giving whole foods and physical activity. Now, that’s better living through your own chemistry.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Photos of the Reward and Progress!
November 2010 - 208 pounds
AND A REDHEAD AGAIN!
Now to decide the reward for 204 (20lbs lost)... SUGGESTIONS?
Monday, November 8, 2010
Progress
Well - the close goal was met and now it's time to move on to focus on getting under 200lbs.
That's right - I'm under 210 now and will be dying my hair tomorrow afternoon! I missed some sessions with the personal trainer when I first moved down here, so I'm scheduled to have 2/week until the California trip.
Under 200 by Christmas is not only imaginable, it's expected at this point. I'm confident that it will happen. With Thanksgiving coming up, I'm trying to remember that the next few weeks will not be free of hurdles - but every minute counts. Every minute of exercise and every minute staying focused pays off.
I wasn't sure whether to cry or jump for joy when the scale showed 208 yesterday. I sort of did both. Right now, this is the lowest weight I've been at that I can remember since high school. I feel absolutely fabulous knowing that I did this. And I've been doing it with hard work and effort, no short cuts.
And I'm looking forward to being a redhead again.
That's right - I'm under 210 now and will be dying my hair tomorrow afternoon! I missed some sessions with the personal trainer when I first moved down here, so I'm scheduled to have 2/week until the California trip.
Under 200 by Christmas is not only imaginable, it's expected at this point. I'm confident that it will happen. With Thanksgiving coming up, I'm trying to remember that the next few weeks will not be free of hurdles - but every minute counts. Every minute of exercise and every minute staying focused pays off.
I wasn't sure whether to cry or jump for joy when the scale showed 208 yesterday. I sort of did both. Right now, this is the lowest weight I've been at that I can remember since high school. I feel absolutely fabulous knowing that I did this. And I've been doing it with hard work and effort, no short cuts.
And I'm looking forward to being a redhead again.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Ups and Downs
October has been filled with a lot of ups and downs. From a surprisingly underwhelming trip to Flagstaff at the beginning of the month to a lot of loneliness following me around this month as I get into the groove of my new life in Phoenix - and realize it's not all that groovy after all, I have been off Blogspot for most of the month.
The last three weeks have brought me some weight loss. So that's a down that makes me feel up! I have officially gotten back to my pre-move weight and lost another two pounds, putting me at 212.
For those of you who might be reading this who have only known me since college, this is probably smaller than you've seen me at before. Two pounds may not seem like much, but most of that came off this last week. I have reaffirmed that I can lose and WILL lose and am currently losing weight.
This is such a great feeling because on December 14th, my first true test comes. Going to see Nate and Chip in San Francisco is a huge motivator for getting down to 200 despite the holidays and weight gain that often comes with holiday food.
I fully plan on enjoying Thanksgiving - I'm cooking the turkey this year after all, but I absolutely will not allow myself to regress.
And boys, if you're reading this, you're gonna be wow'ed! The rest of you are, too. ;)
The last three weeks have brought me some weight loss. So that's a down that makes me feel up! I have officially gotten back to my pre-move weight and lost another two pounds, putting me at 212.
For those of you who might be reading this who have only known me since college, this is probably smaller than you've seen me at before. Two pounds may not seem like much, but most of that came off this last week. I have reaffirmed that I can lose and WILL lose and am currently losing weight.
This is such a great feeling because on December 14th, my first true test comes. Going to see Nate and Chip in San Francisco is a huge motivator for getting down to 200 despite the holidays and weight gain that often comes with holiday food.
I fully plan on enjoying Thanksgiving - I'm cooking the turkey this year after all, but I absolutely will not allow myself to regress.
And boys, if you're reading this, you're gonna be wow'ed! The rest of you are, too. ;)
Friday, October 8, 2010
SRSLY?!
As I'm driving to work this morning, I was listening to my favorite radio station (instead of my usual get pumped fare of either Eminem or Weezer - don't ask!) and the DJs were discussing how weight affects a person's salary.
According to them, women can earn up to $15,000 more PER YEAR by being 15 pounds UNDERWEIGHT.
SCCCCUUUUUUSE ME?!
I can understand how and why men and women who are overweight may earn less - more sick days, even the "aesthetic" reasons often found in restaurants and other service industries. But UNDERWEIGHT?
And then, the DJ responds to this "fact" by stating "You can make 15k more a year by not being a wildebeest."
First off, Mr DJ, Sir, you're an idiot. Wildebeests might not be the cutest animal out there, but they're certainly not the fattest, so I have a problem with your analogy.
Secondly, you're an *sshole. A big one. Huge. And stinky. Being 15 pounds UNDERWEIGHT is not necessarily any healthier or more attractive than being 15 pounds overweight. As a matter of fact, it may indeed indicate that a person is very unhealthy, considering the weight standards that create "under/ideal/over weight" categories.
Any one else have a rant for the day? Share your anger with me people!
According to them, women can earn up to $15,000 more PER YEAR by being 15 pounds UNDERWEIGHT.
SCCCCUUUUUUSE ME?!
I can understand how and why men and women who are overweight may earn less - more sick days, even the "aesthetic" reasons often found in restaurants and other service industries. But UNDERWEIGHT?
And then, the DJ responds to this "fact" by stating "You can make 15k more a year by not being a wildebeest."
First off, Mr DJ, Sir, you're an idiot. Wildebeests might not be the cutest animal out there, but they're certainly not the fattest, so I have a problem with your analogy.
Secondly, you're an *sshole. A big one. Huge. And stinky. Being 15 pounds UNDERWEIGHT is not necessarily any healthier or more attractive than being 15 pounds overweight. As a matter of fact, it may indeed indicate that a person is very unhealthy, considering the weight standards that create "under/ideal/over weight" categories.
Any one else have a rant for the day? Share your anger with me people!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Feeling down makes the scale go up
I have always been an "emotional eater." People have told me that it's
just a crutch or excuse for overeating and there were times I believed
them. Right now, in this moment, I know that I am not making this up.
just a crutch or excuse for overeating and there were times I believed
them. Right now, in this moment, I know that I am not making this up.
Despite using Spark People, Facebook, and BlogSpot to chronicle my
journey, this is a deeply personal and private one. No matter how
much I tell anyone in person, on the phone, or on the internet,
someone else cannot fully understand the struggle another person
experiences on the road to improving their health and fitness. I
can't fathom what each of you reading this is experiencing in the
deepest parts of you because your parts are so much different than
mine.
So knowing that the depth of understanding I crave is unavailable to
me is making me upset. Sad. Lonely. Dejected. Losing movitation and
inspiration and all those things that had me on such an upswing last
week feel like they flew out the window. The sadder I've been the
more the scale goes up. I'm back to 220 right now.
And the cheeseburgers are calling my name again. "Tonya..." they
whisper, "we're here for you. We've always made you feel better.
You're not getting anywhere anyway. You miss us. You want us. We'll
take care of you."
I know they're wrong. At least, I'm pretty sure I do. But each time I
walk to the break room at work to re-fill my water bottle (which I'm
trying to make as often as possible!), the bevy of snacks back there
calls out to me. The inner-fight is hard. The voice tells me "your
day will be so much better if you just have some. You will feel
better."
My heart hurts knowing that I am still fighting with food, and I may
always fight with food. It kills me to feel this hurt when I turn
down a snack - I know I don't need it and I know I'm not hungry, but
dammit "I WANT!"
So instead of breaking down and losing it, I had a rice cake. I
didn't need a snack. But it was better than getting a handful of
Goldfish Crackers, Animal Cookies, or Pretzels and a soda to wash it
down with. I want to overpower these emotional food cravings and
empower myself.
I deserve to say back to those cheeseburgers, "you have ruined parts
of my life, and you continue to try to sabotage me, but I am in
control now."
My strategy is usually to "fake it till you make it" so I think I'm
going to try that now. Tell those foods I'm in control, tell the
cravings to fly out the window that they pushed so many good things
out of last week, and keep saying it until it's second nature.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Good workout today
Despite the nagging voice in my head telling me to just leave, I kept myself going through about 40 minutes of strength training today, plus a quick warm-up, long cool down, and about 10 minutes of stretching. These are the days when I know I can do this - because this was a day I didn't want to but it felt so good to finish.
I did gain a couple pounds when I moved down to Chandler (about 3 to be exact) but I'm down one more pound right now and know that I will be back to where I was and losing more within a couple weeks.
To everyone who surprised me with your support and love, Thank you! I never would have guessed that you all were out there, or cared, or that I could maybe influence you at all.
To everyone who has consistently supported me, another Thank you! I really couldn't do it without knowing that you all are following me on my journey - you help me hold myself accountable every single day!
Love love.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Reward Plan
When I get to my final goal of 160, I'm getting my belly button pierced. I might not keep it long, but I'm going to do it.
When I have maintained 160 for a year, I'm going to get a tattoo somewhere on my hip.
I also plan to buy a two piece bathing suit, but only when I'm ready. And I don't mean a tankini thing. We'll see on that one.
When I get under 200lbs, I'm throwing a party of some sort. :)
When I have maintained 160 for a year, I'm going to get a tattoo somewhere on my hip.
I also plan to buy a two piece bathing suit, but only when I'm ready. And I don't mean a tankini thing. We'll see on that one.
When I get under 200lbs, I'm throwing a party of some sort. :)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Eff you Ads by Google
I just got two Eating Disorder clinic advertisements.
They need better algorithms.
Looking back to look forward
It's important to know where I've been to know where I'm going.
Right now I'm browsing photos from the last year with my friends. I am shocked at how big I am/was. I guess I always managed not to notice. I have a lot of confidence, and I never lacked attention (positive or negative, that's still up for debate), but I think I also had blinders on. I'm glad that I, at the very least, feel fitter, even if I haven't lost much weight yet.
I also have realized that I am not on track to meet my goal in the time that I had hoped. So I'm kicking my game up a notch. SP's nutrition tracker is really helping me hold myself accountable for what I'm eating and today I didn't even get to goal. I know that's not the idea and I don't plan to continue not eating enough calories, but I am relieved to know that I can get through the day without gorging myself and also without being hungry or mindlessly eating.
I think things are looking up.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Valley living
I'm down in Chandler now and loving the new job and the fact that my financial situation is rapidly improving.
My gym situation is not so much, however. It's been difficult to get in to my routine and I'm struggling with portion control because of family habits with meals. Gotta get that right. I'm trying to help influence them to eat a little healthier but neither of them have a taste for the things I've come to love (fish, black beans, low-fat foods, FRUITS AND VEGETABLES).
I started using SparkPeople to help me with my nutrition, especially tracking. Getting an idea of what am eating and what the numbers add up to is very helpful. I've snacked less at work the last couple days just knowing that I'll have to add them in and that put me way over on Tuesday. Now I'm trying to figure out how to get enough healthy calories, fats, and protein in my diet. I didn't think that was going to be a challenge, but I do remember Joe telling me a while ago to keep track of what I was eating.
Speaking of Joe, I do not have a trainer yet here and that's really frustrating. I know I'm not getting very good workouts when I go and I don't like the Awhatukee or Chandler locations much compared to the Flagstaff Anytime Fitness. I miss the trainers and the atmosphere and working out around people my own age. But I also don't want to go to the monstrous gyms they have down here (Mountainside is so big it has its own parking garage and what looks to be valet service). Plus I'm contracted to Anytime and UBF, which is good but a little inconvenient here. The club manager in Awhatukee is really nice and much better than the guy in Flagstaff, but the one in Chandler looks like Joe Pesci's balding 30 year old son on steroids. And doesn't talk to anyone.
I'm feeling frustrated about my fitness and need a kick in the ass to get going again. I'm trying to motivate myself with the upcoming trip to California but even that's on hold right now until I hear from work.
Forgive the long post - I'm bored at work and I needed to get all of this off my chest.
My gym situation is not so much, however. It's been difficult to get in to my routine and I'm struggling with portion control because of family habits with meals. Gotta get that right. I'm trying to help influence them to eat a little healthier but neither of them have a taste for the things I've come to love (fish, black beans, low-fat foods, FRUITS AND VEGETABLES).
I started using SparkPeople to help me with my nutrition, especially tracking. Getting an idea of what am eating and what the numbers add up to is very helpful. I've snacked less at work the last couple days just knowing that I'll have to add them in and that put me way over on Tuesday. Now I'm trying to figure out how to get enough healthy calories, fats, and protein in my diet. I didn't think that was going to be a challenge, but I do remember Joe telling me a while ago to keep track of what I was eating.
Speaking of Joe, I do not have a trainer yet here and that's really frustrating. I know I'm not getting very good workouts when I go and I don't like the Awhatukee or Chandler locations much compared to the Flagstaff Anytime Fitness. I miss the trainers and the atmosphere and working out around people my own age. But I also don't want to go to the monstrous gyms they have down here (Mountainside is so big it has its own parking garage and what looks to be valet service). Plus I'm contracted to Anytime and UBF, which is good but a little inconvenient here. The club manager in Awhatukee is really nice and much better than the guy in Flagstaff, but the one in Chandler looks like Joe Pesci's balding 30 year old son on steroids. And doesn't talk to anyone.
I'm feeling frustrated about my fitness and need a kick in the ass to get going again. I'm trying to motivate myself with the upcoming trip to California but even that's on hold right now until I hear from work.
Forgive the long post - I'm bored at work and I needed to get all of this off my chest.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Measurements August 2010
I had my measurements again yesterday. I'm officially down a full 10 pounds, 6% body fat, and I think I've lost close to 10 inches as well overall.
I'm very proud of myself right now and enjoying everything right now. I've been sick all week so I haven't been in the gym but I had a great session with Tarryn of United Body Fitness in Flagstaff yesterday and am so sore today, and I love it. My biggest motivation right now is a certain trip I'm going on in December. I want to see jaws drop :) I think it's highly possible.
I'm attaching a recent photo from the gym. Forgive the horrible work out clothes, but please note the smaller arms, legs and tummy :)
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Old Photos
Going thru my iPhoto gallery today, I noticed that those early photos I have saved on here presented a truth I didn't realize two years ago.
Looking at those photos, I told my friend, "That must have been when I was at my heaviest. Why didn't anyone tell me?" She, of course, responded with "How does someone say that to someone they love?"
That is an excellent question, I think. How do we tell each other when our decisions and our lifestyles are creating health risks and unhappiness? And was I unhappy then? Oh definitely yes.
Lots of thoughts went thru my head, looking at those photos:
- How did I not notice?
- But I was riding my bike and walking and taking the bus - shouldn't I have been fitter?
- Is that why Tyler left?
- What was I doing wrong?
But realistically, I know the answers to those questions
- You didn't want to notice.
- You didn't want to be fitter.
- Tyler didn't want to be with anyone.
- Everything and nothing.
I'm not going to beat myself up about it. Comments have been made to me along the lines of "I'm so glad you're finally doing this." Comments and promises were also made to me a while ago that people were going to stick by me and motivate me and encourage me, years ago. And I was bitter and angry for a bit that no one pushed me into doing this "like they promised."
The problem was I hadn't made a promise to myself. I have now. It's Saturday. I'm going to finish my laundry, and then I'm going to go to the gym. And I'm going to smile about it because the answer to those questions now? It doesn't matter - those are 2 year old questions and they're irrelevant to today.
:)
Monday, August 9, 2010
Rough Day
Ok, first off, I know I need to post more, even if just for my own benefit. But not having steady internet access makes this a challenge.
Second of all, I'm backsliding a lot lately which makes me really sad. I know I can keep this up, but I'm having a hard time maintaining motivation without work out buddies and someone to check in with. Moving to Chandler should be different, I'm hoping, because I'll be out of work at 3:30pm every day, and should be able to spend a good amount of time at the gym daily.
And with my new job coming up (and only a half hour lunch), I think I'll have better opportunities to buy, make, and take healthy meals for at home and on the go.
The rough day has come from some depressing thoughts, but most especially the first spinning class I took. Literally made me sick. I had to leave. I hate that it happened, and I don't know if I'll be back, because I wasn't enjoying myself at all, but I am looking forward to my two training sessions this week. :)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Measurements Revisited
About two weeks ago I did my second set of measurements at the gym.
And can I just say thank God for results.
3" lost off my waist. A couple inches overall elsewhere.
5 pounds total since I started, which also means 5 pounds since I was last measured, as there were only very small changes last month.
AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!
An almost 5% reduction in body fat. This is the most exciting and fulfilling result of all of them - it's the one that matters the most for overall health and the one that seems to be the most difficult to see drastic results in.
The ladders, the foot cramps, the sweat, the stress, the embarrassment, the hard work, the smiles, and the tears are paying off.
I wish I had had the chance to post when this first came up, but as I am without internet, it has been no easy feat to get to my blog.
Heartfelt thanks to all of you who have been supporting me through this. Also a big thank you to my trainers! The look on Joe's face when I told him about the body fat and weight loss was so gratifying, because not only did he know that my hard work was paying off, but so was his. I think it takes a bit of a village to do this and I'm so lucky to have so many wonderful people who are working on this with me in some way or another.
And can I just say thank God for results.
3" lost off my waist. A couple inches overall elsewhere.
5 pounds total since I started, which also means 5 pounds since I was last measured, as there were only very small changes last month.
AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!
An almost 5% reduction in body fat. This is the most exciting and fulfilling result of all of them - it's the one that matters the most for overall health and the one that seems to be the most difficult to see drastic results in.
The ladders, the foot cramps, the sweat, the stress, the embarrassment, the hard work, the smiles, and the tears are paying off.
I wish I had had the chance to post when this first came up, but as I am without internet, it has been no easy feat to get to my blog.
Heartfelt thanks to all of you who have been supporting me through this. Also a big thank you to my trainers! The look on Joe's face when I told him about the body fat and weight loss was so gratifying, because not only did he know that my hard work was paying off, but so was his. I think it takes a bit of a village to do this and I'm so lucky to have so many wonderful people who are working on this with me in some way or another.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Ladders
So my lovely (and somewhat douche-y, but I say that in the best way possible) trainer, Joe, has a penchant for forcing me to do "ladder" cardio exercises. What this means is you start out on either Level 0 or Level 1 on a machine, and after five or ten minutes (depending on the machine), you increase the level of resistance one increment every minute until the machine maxes out, and then you go back down.
What this means is A TON of calories are burned, and usually your thighs, calves, knees, arms, and, OH YEAH YOUR WHOLE BODY, are also on fire. It also equates to what feels like a very quick work out because it's changing the whole time and a very satisfied feeling when you see how many calories you burned, how many miles your workout equals, and knowing you actually kept the stupid elliptical going on LEVEL 24- the elliptical's max resistance level.
So despite the fact that whenever Joe tells me to do a ladder, I bitch and moan about it, I relish them. They make me feel so good - which means I'm making my self feel so good. And I really do feel great post-gym. I'm enjoying the soreness and the increased flexibility and lung capacity. It seems it all goes hand in hand.
Sometimes I even do ladders when Joe's not on my ass to do them - and I recommend them to anyone who wants to get their ass kicked cardio-wise.
What this means is A TON of calories are burned, and usually your thighs, calves, knees, arms, and, OH YEAH YOUR WHOLE BODY, are also on fire. It also equates to what feels like a very quick work out because it's changing the whole time and a very satisfied feeling when you see how many calories you burned, how many miles your workout equals, and knowing you actually kept the stupid elliptical going on LEVEL 24- the elliptical's max resistance level.
So despite the fact that whenever Joe tells me to do a ladder, I bitch and moan about it, I relish them. They make me feel so good - which means I'm making my self feel so good. And I really do feel great post-gym. I'm enjoying the soreness and the increased flexibility and lung capacity. It seems it all goes hand in hand.
Sometimes I even do ladders when Joe's not on my ass to do them - and I recommend them to anyone who wants to get their ass kicked cardio-wise.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
It's been a few weeks...
And I'm feeling pretty weak to be honest. I was at the gym tonight, but not for as long as the standards I want to hold myself to, and also for the first time since LAST Thursday. I've eaten a lot of junk this week, which is not the worst thing in the world, and I do enjoy indulging but I need to limit the junk. Especially if I want the next measurements to show success and not a lack thereof. I typed "failure" at first, but I don't think getting into that mindset is good either.
What I need right now is a good, healthy kick in the ass. I need a better coping mechanism than eating and wanting attention from someone in particular. Or someone in general. I hate it when I get this way, but I just realized that I normally don't identify this as outside of the norm, so the fact that I haven't been like this all the time lately is a damn good sign.
Some encouragement and positive reinforcement would be greatly appreciated. And I need to do those things for myself too, along with being a little harder on myself and learning some discipline. I feel better, a little, after writing this, and after having gone to the gym tonight.
Goal for the week: To take it day by day and get back on track.
What I need right now is a good, healthy kick in the ass. I need a better coping mechanism than eating and wanting attention from someone in particular. Or someone in general. I hate it when I get this way, but I just realized that I normally don't identify this as outside of the norm, so the fact that I haven't been like this all the time lately is a damn good sign.
Some encouragement and positive reinforcement would be greatly appreciated. And I need to do those things for myself too, along with being a little harder on myself and learning some discipline. I feel better, a little, after writing this, and after having gone to the gym tonight.
Goal for the week: To take it day by day and get back on track.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Measurements
I had my first set of measurements since I started on Tuesday. This was not all I had hoped for. I've gotta watch the nutrition better, and commit to more time at the gym. I'm really in need of some encouragement right now, so thanks in advance for that. :)
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Feels like Summer
June is starting off to be a beautiful month. I hadn't been to the gym since Wednesday or Thursday of last week but we've been moving the whole time so I feel like I still got some exercise. I went last night and it felt so good to be back. I got to touch my toes doing that sitting stretchy thing and that was pretty exciting, because quality toe touches are one of my goals. Now I just gotta do the good ones (standing) and I'll be pretty excited.
Measurements next Tuesday at 6pm...
Sunday, May 30, 2010
photos
I'm looking forward to seeing what Nathaniel's genius captured on camera, but last night I was talking to a friend of mine (who is such an inspiration to me through this process!) about having photos of ourselves pre-life change. I noticed on Facebook that angles and isolation are the bread and butter of photos of many fat people. A lot of us try to be so careful of how the camera captures us. Photos of just our faces, or chest up are abundant. And then there are those of us who are so camera-shy that few photos exist of us.
I'm glad I don't do this. There are a lot of photos of me that really capture not only what I look like, but the fun I was having in the moment, not worried about what the full-body picture is. But there are things I don't have. There are zero photos of me in a bathing suit. I don't have any of those cute group shots at the pool or any photos in a Little Black Dress, showing off with my friends.
So there's another reason for having Nate Morrissey do photos for me and another reason I'm enjoying this process.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
two thoughts to start my day
1. I really wish I looked different to myself. I still see the same things when I look in the mirror, despite the encouragement from lots of other people that I look different.
2. Google Ads on my page are going bye-bye because they're just advertising bullshit weight loss schemes, and that's not what this is about. Bye-Bye shitty Google Ads!
EDIT: Eff Google. They won't let me delete the ads, and I can't pick what I want... If I were able to do so, I would link to Anytime Fitness and Torrid, because they both bring me a lot of joy lately (and take a lot of my money!)
Thursday, May 27, 2010
top ten things I've learned so far
- Eminem is the most motivating artist to listen to when I want to kick my own ass at the gym. Usher is a close second.
- It is an incredibly bad idea not to eat something before going to the gym.
- Having a towel for sweat makes it easier to keep running.
- Trainers count reps for you. This makes it easier to finish them. Except for when they count shitty.
- If I did a rep poorly, I re-do it. Trainers do not expect this.
- My metabolism is crazy fast compared to before and now I'm even more hungry than I was before I started this process.
- Working out makes me randy. More randy than ever before.
- But I'm probably too tired to do anything about it.
- The first workout every week is easier than the first workout was the week before, but the next weights session sucks, because I'm still sore from two days before.
- This new pep in my step is AWESOME.
The Beginning
I decided I wanted to blog about this whole fitness process. In 2 weeks, I go for my first measurements (other than the first day I started, of course), and I am incredibly nervous. What if these six weeks don't add up to numerical results? And how do I stay motivated by things that aren't purely numerical in nature? I'm thrilled at the changes I have felt, most especially the fact that I can get up the damn stairs without dying, but I'm not seeing results yet, if you know what I mean.
I'm stoked to see the photos Nathaniel Morrissey did for me (you can see his incredible work here) and if he allows me, I might share some on here, but I'm also secretly very scared of what I might see. I am outwardly pretty confident and secure in myself, but with all this hard work, I am spending more time getting to know my body better. Which, unfortunately, is including a lot of self-judgment right now.
I am so grateful for everyone's support throughout this first month and I hope you all will stick with me as I continue this process. The title of the blog is "Fitting In" because I'm working on my fitness (Fergie-style), but I really need a new title, so please help!
With love and gym-sweat,
Tonya ;)
I'm stoked to see the photos Nathaniel Morrissey did for me (you can see his incredible work here) and if he allows me, I might share some on here, but I'm also secretly very scared of what I might see. I am outwardly pretty confident and secure in myself, but with all this hard work, I am spending more time getting to know my body better. Which, unfortunately, is including a lot of self-judgment right now.
I am so grateful for everyone's support throughout this first month and I hope you all will stick with me as I continue this process. The title of the blog is "Fitting In" because I'm working on my fitness (Fergie-style), but I really need a new title, so please help!
With love and gym-sweat,
Tonya ;)
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