just a crutch or excuse for overeating and there were times I believed
them. Right now, in this moment, I know that I am not making this up.
Despite using Spark People, Facebook, and BlogSpot to chronicle my
journey, this is a deeply personal and private one. No matter how
much I tell anyone in person, on the phone, or on the internet,
someone else cannot fully understand the struggle another person
experiences on the road to improving their health and fitness. I
can't fathom what each of you reading this is experiencing in the
deepest parts of you because your parts are so much different than
mine.
So knowing that the depth of understanding I crave is unavailable to
me is making me upset. Sad. Lonely. Dejected. Losing movitation and
inspiration and all those things that had me on such an upswing last
week feel like they flew out the window. The sadder I've been the
more the scale goes up. I'm back to 220 right now.
And the cheeseburgers are calling my name again. "Tonya..." they
whisper, "we're here for you. We've always made you feel better.
You're not getting anywhere anyway. You miss us. You want us. We'll
take care of you."
I know they're wrong. At least, I'm pretty sure I do. But each time I
walk to the break room at work to re-fill my water bottle (which I'm
trying to make as often as possible!), the bevy of snacks back there
calls out to me. The inner-fight is hard. The voice tells me "your
day will be so much better if you just have some. You will feel
better."
My heart hurts knowing that I am still fighting with food, and I may
always fight with food. It kills me to feel this hurt when I turn
down a snack - I know I don't need it and I know I'm not hungry, but
dammit "I WANT!"
So instead of breaking down and losing it, I had a rice cake. I
didn't need a snack. But it was better than getting a handful of
Goldfish Crackers, Animal Cookies, or Pretzels and a soda to wash it
down with. I want to overpower these emotional food cravings and
empower myself.
I deserve to say back to those cheeseburgers, "you have ruined parts
of my life, and you continue to try to sabotage me, but I am in
control now."
My strategy is usually to "fake it till you make it" so I think I'm
going to try that now. Tell those foods I'm in control, tell the
cravings to fly out the window that they pushed so many good things
out of last week, and keep saying it until it's second nature.
I am a food addict. If the food is in front of me, I will eat it. There are times when my day is not busy where all I will do all day is think about food. I dream about food. I love food. I get cranky if I can't have what I want, and when I go to a restaurant or to a fast food place I order too much because I get scared I won't stuff myself full and be satisfied. Then, after the third taco is down and I still have one left, I'll eat it because I figure it's better than wasting it.
ReplyDeleteIf I get scared or sad or upset, I reach for ice cream. If I start crying I reach for chocolate. If I'm scared of getting hung over I eat Carl's Jr.
Or at least, this is how I used to be. I used to seek so much solace in over eating and just eating in general. Snacking. Stuffing myself full. Nibbling.
What I eventually realized is that I reach for food because it gives me a few minutes of clearing my brain. I can sit down in front of the tv and eat and eat and eat, and just worry about what's in my mouth. All my insecurities and worries go away...while I'm eating.
But then I started to realize whenever I got done eating, I felt guilty, fat, and horrible. Like I had let myself down.
So these are things I've come up with that have helped me, and maybe they will help you.
1. I want food. Instead of just allowing myself to get up and peruse the pantry or fridge, I ask myself: am I actually hungry.
"Noooooo" the snacks whisper. "But we're just snacks. We won't hurt you. We'll make you feel better." Well, that's a lie. They offer temporary solace, just like a fix does, but doesn't help me in the long run, it doesn't even help me in 15 minutes!
2. Okay. So I'm not hungry. I still want to eat. Why?
I assess how I am actually feeling. Bored? Sad? Lonely? Like it's a lost cause to not eat?
3. I take that emotion, and once I get to the core of why I actually want to start eating, when I know I'm not hungry, and then I do something about it. I stop watching tv, or I write, or I take myself for a bike ride, or just make myself leave the house and do something else.
4. I've also noticed that making sure I only get to eat one time in front of the tv helps, and that if I know I just want to snack, I'll go to circle K and get a thirstbuster filled with (unsweetened calorie free tea) or sometimes I'll splurge and get 75% diet soda and top the rest off with cherry pepsi. That way I have something to do, but I'm not defeating myself.
I know how hard it is to struggle with food, but just try to remember that it will only give you momentary bliss because most likely you are trying to tackle another problem.
I hope this helps :)
Thanks Mal! I've definitely employed a lot of those strategies. First thing I do is go for some water. After a big glass of water, if I'm still feeling hungry, I re-evaluate. And a lot of the time when these things come up, you end up getting a blog post to read - it's pretty much the only place I write anymore.
ReplyDelete:/
Thanks for all your support!